Fantasies

photo by rankun76

We are very excited to welcome Dana, a working mother, wife, and an industrial-organizational psychologist, back to our blog. Dana agreed to participate in the blog on monthly basis. All of us will get a chance to learn from sincere and very practical insights Dana shares based on her path of finding a balance in her life.

The past year and a half I have taken a crash-course in balance. Through trial and error (mostly error), I have unearthed some implicit beliefs that were preventing me from finding a happy balance in my life. Two such “fantasies” reared their ugly heads at me most recently.
Since finishing grad school nearly seven years ago, I have worked as an independent contractor for a management consulting company. I have always had the benefit of being a telecommuter (a fancy word meaning “one who works in pajamas”), except for when I traveled for business. In addition to having a flexible job location, the autonomy afforded by being self-employed also gave me some flexibility in terms of when I did my work. When I became pregnant, I became even more grateful for my work situation.

After my son was born, I continued to work from home (minus the travel) and reduced my hours to part time. Having never had a child before, I thought since I was “only” working part-time with such a flexible arrangement, it would be a breeze to fit in 20 hours a week while also being a full-time mother. It would be more economical, certainly – and as a first time mom and with no family nearby, I couldn’t imagine handing him over to a stranger. And, of course, there was supermom syndrome: I thought I should be able to do it all.

So, for the first sixteen months of my son’s life, I juggled work and motherhood without the help of family or even a sitter. I worked when he napped (poorly), I worked when he went to sleep (intermittently) for the night, and I worked on the weekends when my husband could take over (which, I should add, he wasn’t able to do for the first year, because on nights and weekends he was working on completing his dissertation). A more experienced parent sees the punch line already: very quickly I became burnt out. I was chronically sleep-deprived, my marriage was being woefully neglected, and I was overwhelmed with everything I felt I had to do (and do well).

This brings me to the first fantasy that prevents many of us from achieving balance: that we can do it all. That we should be able to do it all. That we shouldn’t need help. Overcoming this fallacy is incredibly difficult, but breaking free of it is liberating. Asking for help allows you to accept that you are human. Although the imperative to “do it all” came from only one place – within me – I also resented feeling like I had to do it all, and turned that resentment on other people. When I was able to let go of the need to be omnipotent, I was also able to let go of a lot of resentment.

So, finally accepting that I needed help, I hired a sitter to come to my house several mornings a week, thereby giving myself 15 hours of protected work time, which would theoretically allow me to avoid working nights and weekends. I was absolutely giddy with the thought of it – I felt like all of the things that threatened to overwhelm me were about to just melt away. I thought this would somehow “make it all better.” Not surprisingly, it didn’t – it just changed things. To be sure, in some ways things changed for the better – for example, my husband and son and I get to spend more time together on the weekends and I regularly get seven hours of sleep. But other challenges cropped up: whereas before I took care of errands, chores, and cleaning and the like with my son in tow, now I needed to find the time to get them done when I wasn’t working…like on nights and weekends.

Which brings me to the second fantasy preventing us from finding balance: that time is something we can make more of. Avoiding for the moment the philosophical argument about the nature of time and whether it is a mental construction or a “real thing,” the important thing to realize about time is that you cannot make more of it. It is impossible. We can only use the time we DO have in the best way possible. What the best way is depends on us – on our passions, strengths, or priorities. As I thought about this, I realized there are three ways to go about making the most of your time:

• Doing less – what do you not like doing? What do you do that doesn’t help you achieve anything important to you? Spending time cleaning her house soothes my sister – but for me, it is just an irritating fact of life. This is definitely an activity that doesn’t further any of my big-picture life goals! So I started looking into hiring a cleaning service. Delegation is a way of doing less – especially if you have already overcome the first fallacy and are ready to ask for help.


• Doing more – what do you like doing but don’t dedicate enough time to? What activities will help you achieve your big-picture goals if you devoted more time to them? I decided to use the time I would otherwise spend cleaning on things that satisfy my soul and make me happier and healthier, like reading and cooking really good meals, and I’m going to accept my husband’s offers of help and go for long runs on the weekends. These activities give me greater enthusiasm and energy, which helps me be positive and productive overall.


• Being strategic – what do you have to do that you could do more efficiently or effectively? I plan a weekly menu and go grocery shopping every Sunday, which not only saves time and money, it also helps ensure we eat well. I even try to be strategic in setting up for the morning and doing laundry – little ways of being organized minimize frustration and chaos.

The past two months have taught me that I can’t do it all – and that it is silly to even try. I am striving to be more willing to accept help, so that I can focus on what is important and meaningful to me, and to be more thoughtful about where I put my energy.

What are some underlying beliefs you hold that prevent you from feeling balanced? Are you able to readily accept help when necessary? Are there things that you could do less, more often, or more strategically?