An Exercise in Thinking

Photo by INoxKrow

Psychologists and other mental health professionals will tell you that the way we feel and behave is intimately tied to the way we think. We often focus on the events or experiences of our lives as being instrumental in influencing our feelings and actions, but it is really our perception of those events that matters most. Let’s look at an example:

Event: Mary is due for a raise at work and is notified that she will not be getting one this year.
Thoughts: “I deserve this raise”; “If I had done [x,y,z], I would have gotten this raise”; “My boss does not like me”; “I am not going to be able to pay my bills”; “I am worthless”
Feelings: Anger, Anxiety, Sadness
Behaviors: Skip work the next day; Consider quitting her job; Approach her boss aggressively and ask why she did not get the raise; Isolate from co-workers and friends

This may be a common scenario, especially in this economy when many people and businesses are struggling financially. So let’s consider how Donna, another employee at the same company has responded to the same situation:

Event: Donna is due for a raise at work and is notified that she will not be getting one this year.
Thoughts: “My not getting a raise is not because I don’t deserve one, but because the company cannot afford it this year”; “I am just grateful that I still have a job”; “I will be able to adjust my budget in order to continue making my bill payments”; “I am worthy”
Feelings: Frustration, Relief, Calm
Behaviors: Approach her boss calmly and ask if there is anything she can do to help the company so that raises will be an option next year; Continue working diligently; Re-work her personal budget to meet her needs; Stay connected with co-workers and friends and seek support

Can you see the distinct difference between these two outcomes? It involves the same initial situation, but the women’s responses, both emotionally and behaviorally, are starkly different. And the reason for that is likely their perceptions of the situation, or the way they are thinking about it. Yes, Donna still feels frustrated, understandably, but because she thinks realistically about her situation, she is also able to feel some relief and behave accordingly.

It is common for us to have automatic responses to events, either positive or negative, without recognizing how our thoughts are influencing us. Therapists use cognitive therapy to help people evaluate their thoughts in certain situations, and challenge them when necessary, in order to have a more positive outcome. As we can see in our example above, Mary’s response to not getting a raise is likely going to continue making her feel badly, as well as potentially influence her to do something that will hurt her career and future. On the other hand, Donna’s approach is more positive, more realistic, and will likely lead her to further success. Imagine if you are these women’s boss; in a tough economy, which of these women are you going to be more likely to keep on staff and reward when you are able?

We are all faced with difficult situations, whether they are related to finances, relationships, jobs, and much more. While it is natural to have negative emotions and behaviors sometimes, it can be helpful to stay mindful of how our thoughts are affecting us. If what we are thinking isn’t realistic or helpful, those thoughts will quickly take us down a path that we don’t want to be.

Try this exercise this week: When you have a strong emotional response to something that happens (good or bad), take a minute and ask yourself a few questions:

- What does this situation mean to me?
- What is going through my mind?
- What am I thinking or remembering right now?
- What am I imagining might happen in this situation?

Take your answers to those questions and start to identify what your thoughts are. Then evaluate how realistic or healthy they are for you, and make changes when appropriate.

We are often our best critics. The problem, however, is that we often don’t give ourselves the opportunity to evaluate our responses. It is likely that with more accurate and healthy thinking, we will all feel much more balanced, and also look for the positive, even in negative situations. Balancing multiple roles presents a multitude of challenges and difficulties; if we can stay focused on the benefits, however, we will feel better and act more healthily. Try it out and tell us what you think!