Conscious Communication

Photo by pinjuu

I come home and here it is AGAIN: the beautiful vacuum cleaner is parked in the middle of the room. My husband does a great job of vacuuming. However, he tends to leave the vacuum cleaner in the room for as long as one week (I timed it). Dyson manufacturer would probably love it, because its product is displayed in our living room most of the time. Some of you may even think that’s convenient to have the vacuum cleaner next to you all the time--- you never know when you need to have a quick touch up. That is not how I feel. The sight of the vacuum cleaner irritates me and makes me feel like we are never done with cleaning. Recently, my husband took it a step further and he separated the part of the vacuum that is filled with dirt and placed it next to the trashcan in the kitchen, the base of the vacuum was still in the living room. So, now I saw two images of the vacuum cleaner and as you may have guessed many thoughts (not very positive) went through my mind. Here is what used to come up in my dialogue, actually mostly monologue:

Scenario I (Reactive Response): I am talking to myself, “He (my husband) leaves things around all the time.” Internal voice, “Are you sure it is ALL the time?” Me: “Yes, positive. I am the only one who cares about order. He doesn’t appreciate me.” Out loud: “I cannot believe the vacuum cleaner is STILL everywhere! You never put anything away. I am the only one putting things away. I am tired of it.” How do you think my husband responds to this? Hard to be very positive (even if Dyson pays you a lot of money for displaying the vacuum) when you are being attacked and accused. Typically, it used to be something like this, “Why aren’t you happy when I vacuum? I don’t leave everything out all the time. It is going to get dirty again anyway.” So, needless to say, that the situation with the vacuum cleaner has been stale for a while with us having the same reactive responses.

Recently, I have read a great book by the psychologist Marshall Rosenberg on Conscious Communication. He developed a non-violent communication method that can be applied to any interaction (personal or business). His method has been used to find peace and resolution to conflicts in schools, businesses and even between world leaders. Given the credibility of the method, I hoped it would help our “Dyson situation.”

Marshall Rosenberg suggests considering four questions whenever we experience emotional turbulence in our communication:

• What just happened? Coming into present moment awareness, distinguish your evaluations from your past encumbered observations. Avoid the patterns that lead you into emotional reactivity.


• What are these feelings arising in me? Emotional reality is created through the language we use. Distinguish your beliefs from your emotions and avoid shifting the responsibility for your feelings onto someone else. Let go off the pattern of victimization.
  
• What do I need that I’m not receiving? We expect people around us to know what we are looking for. Don’t assume and take the responsibility of identifying your own needs and communicating them to increase your chances of getting them.


• What am I asking for? The more specifically we can formulate a request, the more likely we are to see it fulfilled. Identify behavior that will satisfy your need, surrender to the wisdom of uncertainty, allow yourself to be vulnerable and ask for what you need. Then, observe your response from the state of witnessing awareness.

I was looking forward to testing out this model, and sure enough I had another “Dyson opportunity.” Below is how my response changed based on what I learned.

Scenario II (Conscious Communication): At the sight of the vacuum cleaner, thinking to myself “I see the vacuum cleaner in the living room (observation). I am not appreciated”. Internal voice, “It sounds like the language of victimization that will lead me to a reactive response. Maybe I should rephrase it.” Trying again in my head, “The vacuum cleaner is in the room. It has been there for three days. I don’t like seeing it there, because it makes me feel tired and overwhelmed (feelings; taking responsibility for how I feel).”

At this point I feel ready to voice it, “I noticed the vacuum cleaner has been standing in the living room for three days” (observation). My husband, “Oh, yeah..I know.” I continue, “When I see it standing there, I feel tired, because it makes me feel that cleaning is never finished (feelings). I really need to have a few days when I do not need to think about cleaning, so all the cleaning reminders I put away. I would really like it if you put it away within a day of vacuuming (needs). Do you think you can do it? (request vs. demand). To my big surprise, the light bulb went off and my husband understood how I felt and what I needed. So, Dyson is not on display in our living room any longer.

What do you think about trying these four questions? What struggles do you have with communication?

From the time when we are babies, we are used to our parents meeting our needs without us even asking. When we grow up, we expect the same from people around us. We forget that we need to take responsibility for how we feel (regardless of what the person next to us is doing/saying), express our feelings and needs to others in a clear way. This approach will provide you with a much better chance of having your needs met. Marshall Rosenberg’s book can really change the way you and your close ones communicate with each other.