January 19, 2010

Can Death Teach Us to Be More Balanced?

phote by elbphoto
We all want to feel that we can control many things in our lives. There is at least one that we don’t have much control over – the death of our close ones. As you may have guessed, this topic came about because I recently experienced a death in my family. My 50-year-old cousin passed away. She was born with a heart condition that nowadays is easily cured, but she had to live with it. She was told she wouldn’t be able to live until 20, but her desire to live and experience life was stronger than any statistics that was offered by medical doctors. She was not supposed to have any kids, yet she got married and had a child who is 26 years old now! She continued to work (taught mathematics at a university) until her last weeks. She is an outstanding example of the desire to live, progress and constantly move forward. As I joined my family during the funeral and other related events, I had a few insights that I think will help me keep my life more balanced. I wanted to share them with you and maybe you can add anything that you learned in similar situations.

I was amazed at how close and real my family became during this time. It seemed liked there was no room for self-image, drama or scandals over little things. Everyone seemed much more genuine and sincere. I was worried about what to say to others in this situation. I trusted myself and gave up the idea of trying to come up with perfect words. I realized that there was no need to come up with anything to say. Words became such a small part of how we communicated support to each other. They were replaced by other signs of support like listening, hugging, crying, laughing and just being with each other. I hope I can preserve this sincere and simple perspective in my interactions with family, friends and everyone. I am grateful to my cousin for helping us bring out these qualities in ourselves.

As I was listening to friends and family talking about my cousin and how much she got to experience in her rather short life, I realized how often I wait for the perfect moment to do something. I am a planner, which is great, but I also realize (even more now) that you cannot plan for everything. How many of you keep postponing something because it is not the perfect time? When is the best time to have kids? Should I leave my job and pursue my passion in life? When is the best time to travel to a place I have dreamt about visiting? Sometimes, we need to step into the unknown or have a little push forward even if we do not feel entirely prepared. At some point, we may realize that there is never going to be a perfect time for anything and by waiting too long we may pass our opportunity for something that is important to us. I thank my cousin for reminding me that life is there for us to experience it.


My cousin had a few very close girl friends. Their friendship lasted for years. It has been so good to hear them share memories of their adventures together. One of the friends said that the death of my cousin was a reminder about the importance of finding time for your friends and family; getting together and appreciating the beauty of friendships and close relationships.

Finally, one of the natural questions in this situation is to wonder what happens to us after we die. The truth about it, aside from the fact that not many of us know for sure, is that it depends on what you believe in. I found a great book by Deepak Chopra, “Life After Death” that discusses a multitude of opinions based on many different religious and spiritual beliefs, philosophies, and scientific discoveries. It was interesting to acknowledge that at some level we are constantly in the process of death and rebirth. For example, I am not a little girl or a teenager any longer. Many cells in my body constantly die and renew themselves. It seems like ‘the wall’ between life and death is not as thick as we sometimes think.

I realize that my cousin is not physically with us. However, I feel her presence through the wisdom that I acquired. I am thankful to her for leaving this behind and for giving us a chance to renew ourselves while we are still physically alive.

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