For years, I have had a difficult time saying “No” to plans that were in the way of me feeling more balanced or relationships that were not very nourishing to my sense of balance. By any means, I do not think I became an expert in saying “No,” but I definitely see some progress in how I relate to the world.
Has anyone experienced a tendency to overload themselves? Do you set up unrealistic goals for yourself at work? Do you plan so many activities for your vacation or weekends that you end up feeling that you need a long break to recover from your time-off? Have you dragged on friendships or relationships just because you didn’t have enough courage or did not want to offend anyone by making a change? All of the previous questions are just small examples of situations known to create a sense of imbalance in our life. In fact, research shows that the more family and work demands we have, the more challenging it is for us to feel balance. Of course, there are some demands (e.g., childcare, deadline for a project at work) that may be difficult to control and we have to just find ways to work with them. But, there are other demands that we can control and by doing so we may create some energy/space to deal with things that are more important, fulfilling, etc.
Here are some pointers that may help you say “No”:
Has anyone experienced a tendency to overload themselves? Do you set up unrealistic goals for yourself at work? Do you plan so many activities for your vacation or weekends that you end up feeling that you need a long break to recover from your time-off? Have you dragged on friendships or relationships just because you didn’t have enough courage or did not want to offend anyone by making a change? All of the previous questions are just small examples of situations known to create a sense of imbalance in our life. In fact, research shows that the more family and work demands we have, the more challenging it is for us to feel balance. Of course, there are some demands (e.g., childcare, deadline for a project at work) that may be difficult to control and we have to just find ways to work with them. But, there are other demands that we can control and by doing so we may create some energy/space to deal with things that are more important, fulfilling, etc.
Here are some pointers that may help you say “No”:
- Be more aware and recognize situations that lead you to making engagements that you may later regret. If you can just pause and think before you make a commitment, you may often recognize a familiar pattern. For example, a friend may be asking you about getting together. Although, it would be fun, deep down inside, you may know that you need to spend some time at home. You may feel torn, but being in touch with your true feelings should help you make the right decision;
- Ask close relations to help you recognize when you are overloading yourself. For instance, I often ask my husband to let me know that I am overdoing or over-planning;
- Delay the answer for a few days. Sometimes, it is easier to make a decision if you separate from the situation. “Sleep on it” before you make a commitment;
- Be realistic about what can be accomplished at work/home/vacation. Notice if you always tend to set up extremely high goals for yourself and get disappointed when you cannot meet them;
- Frequently evaluate the relationships in your life. Are they nourishing? Do they make you feel good? If the answer is “no” for some, think about a possibility of change;
- Strive towards simplicity. This applies to relationships, engagements, goals. The more complicated our life is, the easier it is to feel imbalanced;
- Listen to your body and your internal voice. Often, the internal wisdom will give you signs of a decision that is not very nourishing or fulfilling.
What are you strategies for finding the courage to say “No”? Please share with others!
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I really like the idea of striving towards simplicity. I find that when I stay focused on my priorities, the "life clutter" seems to fade away, making things so much simpler. And listening to my body has proven helpful too - something as simple as a headache or sore back is usually indicative that something needs to change.
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